Hidden

Hidden

I’ve got the Poets Market, and am getting all my stuff ready to sell.

But, now, I don’t want to. I don’t want to send it out. I don’t want other people to see it, and read it.

Well, I want other people to see it and read it. But, just not my family. I don’t want them to be my family. I don’t want them to be related to me. They suck my motivation away 90 percent of the time. I don’t need that.

I don’t want them to know me any longer. They want me to be the same lil thing that I as in Jr high, and High School. But, I am not. I’ve not only grown up physical, but they missed me growing mentally. Now, they are refusing to deal with the fact that I make my own choices now, not them.

For some odd reason, they also don’t trust me. I am at a loss as to why. I’ve never lied to them, never gave them a reason not to. That kind of hurts that they don’t trust me. I don’t trust them, but they’ve spent 21 years telling me lies, and not helping me climb to reach all that I can do.

This has made me stronger. I am stronger then that. I will overcome it. I will send out my work, with the vain hope that they will never come across it, never read it. And if they do, that the meaning of the words will not click. That they won’t have some great incite into my life once they do.

I will pay my bills using writing.

LA, Vacation, Writing

ok, i had a tonnnnn of fun.  and got a lot of writing done… still need to type it, and can’t wait till it happnes again.

working vacation

I am going on the train tomorrow!!! It will be nice to get some time off from the job hunt and my family and well, just about everything. It will be nice to see my friends and rehash old times, and make new ones.

On the train ride there, I will be working on my writing. I’ve printed out all of the poems that I’ve written so far that aren’t finished. (or at least the ones that are typed.) I plan on having them ready to be entered into my computer on my return, fully finished.

I also have a story that I would like to get a bit of work on. Of course that will all be made harder by the fact that my baby (the lap top) is staying here. I don’t want to drag around it’s 7 pound ass around for a few minutes of productivity. A vacation should be restful not a time for work.

But, if things go really, really well (and I get a lot of writing done. By a lot I a mean finish all of the “would be nice” goals), I will do this again. Maybe just taking the train down and then taking it back. ’cause I have to do what I have to do to get my writing done.

It’s time that I start treating it like it’s work, and not just something that I do in my spare time. But, that also means that I should have at least one blog entry rolling off my finger tips as soon as I get home. I am not even going to unpack first. (I normally don’t unpack… just live out of the sute case. It’s an old habit garred from collage… always on the move, never totally unpacked.).

If the library were open i would be checking out a book or two there because I know that I will be having time to read and such while I am gone.. well, back to getting ready to go for me.

I am grateful for the shower.

much like this blogger, in this post, i treasure my time in the shower..

The Streams of gently flowing water warm me, and the smell of clean envelops me. For a little while, my whole world is stress free, the chronic pain in my wrists is gone. The stress and cares of my life are gone, and there is nothing but me in perfect saftey. It’s here that I can see things that should bot been seen

 

what i am greatfull for today

What I am grateful for Today:

a nice warm bed

hunger that will soon be finished by breakfast

a nice warm shower

Maya Angelou

poetry

liberties

books

writers

my notebook

my grandmother

What I’ve been writing/ self worth

I managed to write some on Dollie’s story. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. After a few minutes of writing, I was overcome with a vast felling that I can’t do it. I was so over powered by this felling that I could not think of another word to put down at the moment.

That only lasted for a few hours. Talking to my friends seemed to help, as did cooking some meat loaf. Somehow cooking and talking to friends, even when they are too far away to share the food with brings up my confidence. Not only brings it, but restores a my self-worth that is so hard to keep about me. It’s good to have gotten it bad.

Now, I am going to type the changes that I’ve made, and print it out again. (It’s only like three cents a page to print it out. Not a whole lot of money. Espceicaly once i am making money from writing when I can count it as tax delectable.)

Writing and why I haven’t been doing

first off, work picked up. That’s a good thing. But, it also means less time for room cleaning, writing, and job hunting.

But, my room is cleaner right now then it has been in years, so I am doing good. I am getting rid of so many things. It’s totally wonderful. I am also being interrupted a lot and it’s hard for me to stay in the right mainframe to write.

 

I need to get better at balancing everything and putting my life on hold to write. The hard part is that on one see writing as an activity that needs it’s own space and time. They see it as something that can be interrupted, and intruded on effect; maybe they just don’t care.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss.

I know that this book has been out for a while; I just got around to reading it. The book makes the point that punctuation has changed. But, it mistakenly says that we should be fighting to keep it how it has been in the past.

Well, it was worth reading.

Spelling

I have always wondered what left me incapable of learning how to spell. The mysterious rules such as “i before e except after c” what does that mean any way? I’ve never been able to figure it out. For a while I believe that the problem is that I could not learn.

But, that’s not true, can’t be. I learned how to cook. I learned how to be a cashier. I learned how to count. So the problem is not that I don’t know how to learn. So, that can’t be be it.

I still do not spell well. I am the worlds worst speller in the whole universe. (I think that I manage to do okay on this blog. So it’s not that I can’t use the tools available to me.) The fact does not change that I don’t know how to spell. Without the help of spell check and Google, my writing is unreadable.

I firmly believe that the school system has become crippled to the point that I can graduate from High school and not know the difference between the different spellings of the word “cents”. They are all the same to me. And don’t even get me started on the “Theres”

so, does this make me stupid? I’ve been told my whole life, “In order to be a write You have to have perfect grammar. You have to have perfect spelling.” I tilt my head back and laugh. They don’t see how inside I rage. They don’t see me when I leave there site, and site down and cry, with fear and frustration brimming over inside of me with tears.

Maybe they are right. Maybe I can’t write. Maybe I am stupid.